bionicstaringmachine

inbox.

overflow (tfln & other text posts) and text/audio/video in general.

[ While Bucky already knew his defenses were lower when it came to Hel - it had something to do with being able to talk to her easily, not having any pretenses or added bullshit that came to do with who he was and what he'd done while also being aware that he's different and it not be surprising - he can feel them slip a little further down. He's admitted that he wants her ( wants her near, wants her more than just as a friend ) but he can't fully trace how far down that feeling goes. How much he trusts her, how much he cares and how deeply she's already impacting him despite the short time they've known one another. But he can pinpoint just where he softens toward her a bit more between her deciding to bring the woods to him and presenting him a small potted plant like she did.

The only people he's felt that sense of ease and feeling accepted with in recent times was the Wilson family and that was a feeling of family ( Uncle Winter Soldier Sam said ) as opposed to something deeper, something that's quickly moved away from the platonic friendship they've thought this was and into something more. It's been a long damn time since he felt like this and he's still not fully sure how to navigate that dance, but he's willing to try. ]

Thanks, [ He's ducking his head a little, almost sheepish in accepting the offering from her because he's not gifted things often. ] I'll uh - I'll try not to kill it. It's not gonna take much to keep it living, is it? You might wanna get visitations to it, to make sure I'm taking care of it right.

[ It's a sly invitation to have her come over more, if she isn't put off by this whole experience at the end of it. He knows he doesn't have much, it never really bothered him before but now that he's faced with having her in his space and knowing that he wants her to be there, he knows it's not normal for most people. ]

It's not a conversation you wanna have over the phone - text or a phone call. And I wanted to see you too. Not just 'cause of what we were talking about, but since I was thinking about you. I didn't know if you'd want to come over or if it was too outta line to bring it up on my own.

Edited 2024-05-09 05:31 (UTC)

[ It's good that he actually means the invitation because she visibly perks up before also ducking her head a little. ]

No, it's very low maintenance. [ Like me, she almost adds, but she doesn't want to come off as desperate and scare him away, especially now that they've finally gotten somewhere. So she plays along with it: ] But you're right, it might be for the best if I check on it every now and then. Plants can be tricky.

[ She peers up at him then, in that half-coy, half-playful manner she seems to manage around him. The food's ready and spread out between them, but she momentarily forgets about it as her attention is all on him. ]

I've been thinking about you too. [ Her sketchpad will be proof of that, if he goes through it later. ] I just... didn't know if you'd want me to come over. [ She smiles at him, hinting that she deliberately echoed what he said word for word. Then she shrugs. ] I didn't want to make it weird. In case you... weren't interested and, you know, wanted to just be friends.

[ She's not sure why she's nervous again, because she suddenly is, words tumbling out of her. ] You're really kind and... you probably know many others who are prettier and more interesting than me, and I... I didn't want to make you feel like you had to... spare my feelings, or something. [ Which is a long-winded way and still not directly conveying that she's giving him a chance to change his mind. ]

[ They're mirroring each other and that's either a good sign or a bad sign or it's just a sign of knowing that they'll fumble through this together. Bucky can't claim he doesn't have experience with this, with trying to test the waters and figure out how to make heads or tails about what the signs are pointing toward when it came to attraction and feelings and all that. But he hasn't had that experience in eighty years, so he may as well be as new to it as she is. ]

Good, 'cause I wanna be able to see you more, now that I know you can manage a portal outside my door. [ The corners of his lips pull up, just a little in the slightest of smiles, probably closer to a soft smirk when he says this because he knows that's the real reason before adding: ] And to keep the plant from dying. I don't wanna ruin something you gave me.

[ They're not there yet, when it comes to their feelings for each other but he might not just be talking about the plant. She's giving him her trust and her affection and that is not something he's taking lightly, because he doesn't want to ruin either of those things. He's giving her those parts of himself as well, allowing her in and he's trying to do his best and not take those step backward in retreat because it's new for him. ]

I don't know who you think I know, but I don't think any of 'em are prettier or more interesting than you. [ He's looking at her dead on as he says this, because that's the important part of it all, behind the talk about sparing her feelings. ] I wouldn't have told you that you could come over, if I was just tryin' to spare your feelings or if I wasn't interested. I don't do that. The history books might talk about me being a flirt, but I only did it with women I was interested in.

[ There's a beat, as he makes sure she isn't looking down or away or trying to put her attention on something else - like the food that they had sitting, untouched - because he knows he tends to lean on props like that when they're available to him and he doesn't want to expose those vulnerabilities more than they already are. ]

I flirt with you 'cause I'm interested. I want you here, 'cause I'm interested. I later texted that asshole who thought I was you, telling him to lose the number, 'cause I'm interested.

You are so weird.

[ But that's a good thing, because so is she. She's a sheltered little witch who looks half-dead without the glamour, who's been so out of touch with the world she's almost no different to this man out of time. And while she still can't believe someone like him is truly interested in someone like her, she's sure as hell not pushing him away.

With her non-disfigured hand, she reaches across the space between them for his flesh hand — her left on his right — and squeezes his fingers gently. Her face feels hot from all the nice things he's said, but she's not looking away. She fears that if she does, this will all end, like it's just some spell and it'll be broken if she gets distracted. She doesn't want this to end. ]

I'm glad you're interested, because I really like you, Bucky.

[ She never even thought she'd like anyone in this way. Like, sure, Fandral was charming, and Hodr was kind of cute, but neither of them have ever elicited feelings of this nature from her. She cares about Bucky; his happiness, his life, his freedom to choose. But, more importantly, he makes her feel cared for and happy and alive. ]

What's weird about that?

[ He's scoffing just a little, acting like she's talking about the way he feels like he poured his heart out to her just now because that's...honestly what it felt like. He isn't the kind of guy who uses a lot of words in most situations, at least not if he can help it. He's not as monosyllabic as a whole like he used to be, but he still doesn't talk a lot unless the occasion calls for it.

This was one of those occasions.

It's important she knows that he's interested in her, that he's not just saying these things to say them or to be nice and kind because he's not the kind of guy who leans into that kind of thing. Only certain people really get to see his kindness or if he's in the middle of a mission and needs to try and be reassuring but that's about it.

He's squeezing her fingers back just as gently - and briefly glad she chose his flesh hand instead of the vibranium one - even if it's no different for him to be mindful of himself when he's using either hand due to the serum giving him that added strength, he still tries to be a little more gentle when it comes to his non-flesh hand.

A beat later and he's wetting his lips, a movement that he didn't really think of but then he finds himself looking down at her own before bringing his gaze back up to hers. Well, now that they have it out of the way that they're both interested in each other, it's not as bad that he's thought about kissing her a time or two now and waved it off because it wasn't what friends do. ]

The food's probably getting cold but uh, [ He's shifting in, a little closer to her in how they're seated, just getting rid of a little bit of that space. ] I really wanna kiss you. That alright with you? [ He leaves it there in her court, with the slightest of raises of his eyebrows up toward his hairline, because he's not going to bring her in and kiss her without her giving her full consent to it. ]

[ Oh no, did she offend him? It wasn't that she thought he was lying or anything, it's just— ]

I just meant you have weird taste! [ That... doesn't really sound any better. So she points to herself, for emphasis. ] Most people don't like me. [ But he's not most people, hence why she quickly adds: ] I'm glad you like me, even if I'm weird.

[ She's turning a little red now, both pleased by his admission and embarrassed by her dumb reaction. Yet despite all their flirting and what they've already said to each other, she's still visibly shocked when he declares he wants to kiss her. ]

... Wow. [ She blinks a few times at him, then ducks her head as she lets out a flustered laugh. But she doesn't release his hand, her fingers even squeezing his again. ] That's... that's a first. [ More than the emphasis on the really, he'd actually asked. He didn't just swoop right in and do it — not that she would've minded, since it's him and not some rando in a bar who'd name her 'hot hoodie girl' on his phone. Or maybe Bucky's just wary that she's going to stab him with a steak knife if she's spooked.

She gazes back up at him, suddenly hyperaware that he's moved so much closer to her, and she feels the temptation to simply obliterate that distance and initiate the kiss. But just as she starts to lean in, she hears that treacherous voice of her insecurities, reminding her that he might not like what he discovers, as well as the sensible voice of what might be her conscience, reminding her to respect his boundaries. Wanting to kiss her did not automatically mean he wants to be kissed. She has to give him the space to pull away if kissing her turns out to be too weird or gross.

What she does instead is push away the basket sitting between them to the side (thankfully their food's still all there and she hadn't begun unpacking) with her free hand, and saying with a grin, as she scoots closer to him: ] I know a heating spell. How did you think I ate leftovers without a microwave?

[ Still, when it gets to the point that their lips are just about to touch, she places her hand against his chest to stop him. ]

A-Are you really sure about this? You... you might just be disappointed...

[ She's not turned her head away though, and it's clear on her face that she wants this too. ]

[ He's slowly realizing he probably should've told her a little more about why he is the way he is - when is a good time to tell a woman you like more than a friend and actually want to explore a romantic relationship with that you have issues when it comes to body autonomy and consent? That you don't like contact with people you don't know enough to warrant that contact - unless it's a kid or someone who's in hysterics because of being a hostage or something, then he can make a small exception for that - and don't let people past certain walls because it keeps them out? How do you explain that the reason you don't have a lot of friends is because it's hard for you to open up after spending about seventy years as a tool for an organization where 'very bad people' isn't even the kind of descriptor that would explain the kind of horrors they were capable of?

He wonders if she noticed how he took a moment to feel comfortable enough to initiate and engage with the small, friendly touches they engaged in over time - helping to lead her through a doorway or a crowd with his hand at the small of her back, letting her take his arm in her own while making sure he stayed on the part of the sidewalk closest to the street, the slow reciprocation of something simple as a hug - because he didn't want to impose himself upon her and also needed to be comfortable himself with those invasions of each other's space.

Right now, it doesn't really matter and maybe he'll be able to backtrack to explain things, not when her lips are but a breath away. If he can feel those little breaths from her, he knows she's aware of that slow inhale and exhale of his own. Just like, with her hand on his chest, she might be aware of that slight uptick of the steady thump of his heart. Not much, just enough to show that he's affected by how close they are.

His vibranium hand came up to cradle the back of her head gently - he's aware of how gentle, while hoping the metal doesn't feel weird against her hair - and even as they are nose to nose, his brushing against hers just slightly he says it again: ]

This alright with you?

[ He's waiting, even with the signs very clearly pointing that she is, for some sort of affirmative and once he gets it - a nod, an actual uttering of some confirmation - that's when he closes that slight gap between them. His lips move to hers, a soft, gentle press to ease into things. He's already lived this long and doesn't see an end date in sight just yet, so he's not looking to go racing to the end. He keeps to those slow movements, doesn't want to do anything that could spook her in the end, but what was first the light brush of his lips against hers picks up, just a hair, becoming more sure as the moments tick on and he knows this is not an unwanted invasion of her space. ]

[ Is it her magic that lets her feel the beat of his heart beneath her fingertips, or is she simply hearing her own? For despite her fear of this kiss ending badly, she realizes she wants it even more, and that is making her heart want to leap out of her chest. She used to roll her eyes at her brothers for pining and being all lovesick for someone, but caught in this moment, she finally understands.

It's almost hard to breathe with how close they are — noses touching, his free hand at the back of her head, hers on his chest. When he speaks, she feels that slightest brush against her lips, and even that level of contact is so good, she's momentarily bewildered why he's still talking and not kissing her.

Er, right. She'd stopped him, asked if he was sure. Stupid girl. ]

Y-Yes.

[ Her confirmation comes out in a breathless whisper, so soft she's not even sure she actually said anything at all and she didn't just lean in to close the gap. And that's just what it is, at first — a gentle press — yet even then it already feels like she's waking up from a long, dreamless sleep.

Her insecurities linger in the background, of course. You can't hide now, you monster, they try to whisper, reminding her of her scarred face and chapped lips and the ugliness she'd been born with, but just when she thinks she might cave in to that pressure, he is there, kissing her just a little more solidly, a little more certainly. Saving her from herself.

So she holds on to that lifeline he's offered, kissing him back — first with that mirroring tentativeness, then with a mirroring confidence because he's not stopped or pulled away. He'd said he won't do anything just to spare her feelings, so if he's doing this, if he's still kissing her, then somehow, as unbelievable as it might be, he's enjoying it. Emboldened, she follows his lead and matches his movements, falling into a dance that only they hear the music and know the steps to. Her lips part with a sigh. Her fingers start to fist the front of his shirt, and when, in doing so, her fingertips find a sliver of his skin below the hollow of his throat, she seeks more of it until she's gently cupping his cheek.

When they finally stop, her eyes are closed and she's smiling against his mouth. ]

Wow.

[ Then she peers up at him, worry seeping into her expression. ]

Sorry. Was I... was that...

Edited (just noticed my typos lmao) 2024-06-06 11:40 (UTC)

[ Just like her, he's smiling without any guards in place, looking lighter in the moment than he does in his day-to-day. There's crinkles at the corners of his eyes and a warmth in those blue eyes of his, a far cry from the shadows that sometimes color their way in, proving that he's still years away from being fully distanced from his past and actually healed in any way.

It takes him a minute, but he's slowly realizing something. Was that - yes. It was. That was his first kiss since 1943. He was busy overseas, fighting in a war so it wasn't like he had all that many opportunities to find a beautiful dame and lay on the charm for even a few kisses. And with Hydra, his body wasn't his own, he'd been no more than a weapon, a tool to them to use how they see fit. This was something he's initiated, something he's actually wanted and acted upon, even if it had been hesitant at first.

His first thought had been that it was a damn good kiss, but now he's worrying that maybe that passage of time making him rusty meant that he wasn't as good at this as he once was. He's not immediately noticing her own worry, because he's focused on his own.

With his hand still cradling the back of her head, his fingers have tangled themselves in her hair and he's thankful for the smooth nature of the vibranium that makes up his arm, otherwise he'd be worrying he'd snag her hair due to imperfections or because of joints and grooves that weren't as smooth as they appeared.

Slowly, he's reading the worry in her expression and he interprets it as something to do with him and nothing to do with her - even if he knows she's in the same place as him, with that self doubt, being unsure of what someone might see in them but doesn't realize how deep that really goes - so he's trying to make up for what he considers must be a slight when it comes to their first kiss. ]

First kiss in about eighty years? Yeah. I'm kinda rusty, but I'm willin' to give it another go if you think I need to do better.

You're really going to kiss me again? You didn't think I was awful? I've never kissed anyone like that before...

[ She won't even know what rusty feels like because her insecurities have never let anyone get close enough for anything this intimate. Until now.

A part of her thinks she should retreat before this goes any further, before he realizes what a monster she truly is and decide he wants nothing to do with her, before she gets hurt. But her disfigured hand is on his cheek and he hasn't drawn it away. He's smiling like he hasn't smiled before. And he's saying he wants to kiss her again, even after all that? He could be lying, of course, but... he's never lied to her. Why would he start now?

When she feels that spark of courage deep within her, she grabs it and takes the plunge. ]

... so I might need lots of practice.

[ Her fingertips travel lightly down his cheek and across his lips, the touch almost reverent despite the bravado and mischief she'd employed just a moment earlier. Oh, she recognizes just how attractive he is. But that's strangely not what she likes most about him. ]

You can kiss me anytime you want. You don't have to ask. My answer is always yes.

[ A part of him feels bad when it comes to the fact that out of everyone in the world - in the realm, he guesses - she's managed to get him when he thinks she deserves a hell of a lot better than him. It's part when it comes to his own thoughts of his self worth, but also he knows there's a damage to him that's gonna take time. It's not something that he'll snap out of overnight and he hopes that if they do end up having set backs - because he knows despite his programming being gone, he'll always have that underlying fear there's something still there of the Winter Soldier within him, not to mention the fact being who he is can bring attention not just to him but to her as well and he struggles with those things that are wrapped up into his PTSD even if it isn't every day - that she knows it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

But the other part? That part, is grateful that he gets to have this with her. He'll never question how quickly they managed to connect, to find some commonality with each other and build an easy camaraderie that was flirtatious enough to realize they weren't really as platonic as they thought they were being, because despite thinking he doesn't fully deserve this kind of thing and being more of a realist than anything ( he doesn't consider himself a pessimist nor does he hope enough for optimism ), he got her text for some reason. If that doesn't tell him he's got the green light to pursue this, he doesn't know what does. ]

Didn't feel like you needed practice to me, but I'm willing to put in the work for the cause. [ There's a slight pull to his lips in a smirk, but she'll feel that more than see it because of her fingertips moving against his lips. He's trying for his own bravado now, but it stalls a little when she tells him he doesn't have to ask. He's looking down for a moment, sucking in a breath slowly as the hand that was cradling the back of her head now slips down a bit to rest on the back of her neck. Fingers are splayed there, his thumb coming up to rest in that spot just before her ear, right along her jaw. He's holding her gently with his vibranium hand, angling her face in a way that will ensure she looks at him once he brings his gaze back up. ] Yeah, about that -

[ She was so worried about what he'd feel beneath her glamour, how that would make him feel about her, knowing what was there underneath that illusion but his worry was how he'd been a literal monster at one point - being a mindless assassin is monstrous, killing in the name of those who pulled their strings like he were their marionette was monstrous - and having to explain that to her about why it was so important that he was respectful of her boundaries and her own consent as well. ]

I ask, 'cause I know what it's like when people don't ask. Or don't care. Or make you do things that you normally wouldn't wanna do. Not having control of your body, it ain't fun and it's worse when you don't have a choice. I'm always gonna give you a choice.

[ She lets her hand drop when he looks down, suddenly worried that she's upset him. Had she been too forward? Was she being too much?

But he's still holding her close — keeping her close, even — and she realizes that he's trying to say something. So she waits. It's not like this is the first time this has happened, when silence comes between them as he (or she) thinks about what he wants to say, though this feels more important than the other instances because of the kiss. Still, the insecurities persist with their treacherous whispers. Don't take it seriously. He doesn't really like you like that. You know nothing about the world. Or what it's like to fight in a war. You're just a curiosity. What can you even give him?

What he says, however, only draw her closer to him. He would know what that's like, wouldn't he? How awful. Now she wants to wrap her arms around him and hold him close and keep him safe, somehow, but he was just talking about choice and consent and control, so she doesn't. ]

I'm sorry. If I ever make you feel like you don't have a choice, I'm sorry for that too. [ She just squeezes his hand again; they're still holding hands, so it's safe and not overstepping his boundaries right? But it's a blanket apology in case she missteps. This is all so new. ] And thank you. For always being so kind to me. For... sharing all this with me. [ The kiss, his feelings, his past. She's going to treasure them all. ] You didn't have to. But I'm glad you did.

[ Then she smiles, soft and shy and almost sheepish. ] Is it okay if we kiss again? Or we can just eat and I'll tell you my secrets...

Edited 2024-06-09 15:39 (UTC)

No. [ It's a simple, one word answer with a firm shake of his head, even if the movement is slight because he's not trying to move too much to accidentally put any sort of distance between them. ] You've never made me feel like I don't have a choice. I'm not telling you this because of that, it's...so you know what you're gettin' yourself into with me.

[ It's not really a warning off, because he doesn't want her to go. Even if there's just that barest notion within him to push her away, to tell her she deserves better than him, because it's hard for him to really let people in and trust but - he's not doing that. Because while they're talking about choice here, it's her choice to have come here to him, knowing what they might talk about, what might happen.

So he's not gonna turn tail, try to send her off in some dramatic effort to keep himself safe because he doesn't think she's looking to stab him when he least expects it. And something tells him she's not gonna decide one day she's gonna up and leave, either.

Yeah, his self worth might be wrapped up in some other issues in there too, but he's not looking to unload all of 'em right now. He just wants her to understand this one important thing, so she isn't left wondering why he might be a little slow about things, because he wants to do it right by her.

There's a beat, after her question that while he made it clear that he wanted some kind of consent from her before he kissed her, the only confirmation that she has that it's okay they kiss again, is his lips on hers after her mention of secrets.

He wants to know anything about her she's willing to tell him - just like he'll tell her whatever she wants to know, even if it might take a bit to get there - but there's a boldness that wasn't there before. He's determined to make this kiss better than the first, but he's also not trying to toe the line into anything that they might not be ready for. The boldness is to show he does want her, he's not just sweet talking her because he doesn't have anything better to do, but then he's gentle, showing a regard for her that makes it clear he's working through this just as much as she is.

It's only in that space between kisses that he murmurs against her lips: ]

You've got a spell, right? The food and secrets can wait a little bit.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

inbox.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

READY TO COMPLY LMAOOO ilu i just can't stop teasing you about that now 🤣

now i need to think of more winter soldier puns and some seb-kissing-in-other-things icons i guess

i need this gal in more things but i found at least one icon i can use for shippy stuff lmao

let's see if i can make up for DW's mishap last night :|

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject