bionicstaringmachine

I can show you a few tricks. [ She can change the color of her hair! And a couple other, more useful stuff. ]

That's really fun. Father used to read to me. He had all these voices and everything.

I'd like that. I didn't get a chance to really see too much of the magic I've been near, there was too much goin' on at the time. It'll be nice to see some when there's not a fight happening.

[ And that means she'll have his full, undivided attention with anything that she wants to show him. He doesn't think he has much to show her aside from the trip to the Smithsonian - his vibranium arm doesn't really do anything interesting unless you're trying to remove it from his body. ]

That's the only way to read a book if you're gonna read it out loud. You gotta have some voices, even if they end up sounding stupid.

[ from here ]

What, you're tellin' me you like me for my personality?

[ More teasing. He has to, to be able to let the conversation they're really having to settle there for a moment in the background so he can deal with the battle of wills going on inside of him. The part of him that doesn't want to kill versus the part of him that wants Hydra to be gone completely. It's not just for him, it's for Steve, it's for what Hydra took from them and others. He wants to hit 'em once for him and then another for Steve and then keep going until there's nothing left. Of them, assuredly. Of him, maybe. ]

Yeah, I do. I'm not gonna let anyone else do this but me. And if we try to save some, we end up letting SHIELD know who you really are. Peggy and Howard can only do so much, they've got other people involved now. [ Because they're getting old now, the old guard is crossing soon and that means others involved they don't have the same history with. ] And I don't wanna owe them too many favors.

[ from here ]

It's okay. The important part is knowin' you want to.

[ It's still flirting, but there's a touch of that self doubt lurking there when it comes to the idea of Hel wanting or choosing anything to do with him beyond the friendship they've been exploring. ]

[ from here ]

Is that what we were doing before, dancing?

[ It's a question to point out the curious word she used. A word that seemed familiar, not that he could place why. The white noise of his brain was starting to become less of a plain static and wanted to buzz alive, but he was resisting it. His handler, the scientists - they didn't like it when he had those moments where he asked something or did anything remotely like reacting for a change. So he tries to shove that activity in his brain aside. ]

But I will be there.

[ Time to one up him on that self doubt! ]

I want to. But do you?

I can keep the glamour on but you know it's just an illusion. You'll still be able to feel the damage. And it's not just on my hand or my face.

[ She knows it's gross. Like if a really old person had scarred from a severe burn. The texture of her skin on that side is weird, the colors weird. She totally understands if he's disgusted by that. Already expected it, even. ]

Nah. I'm just here for the sex.

[ Teasing, but it's also not entirely untrue.

She gets it all — his internal struggle, his desire to take Hydra down, his concerns about her, not wanting to owe people favors. She hates the thought of not fighting by his side, especially after having done that for so long, but she also understands why he insists upon it. (Or so she thinks, anyway.) ]

Then it sounds like we have a plan.

[ He might be going at it "alone" but it's still a we thing. ]

What else do you need?

You wish. You're too stiff.

[ Which is what they've been trained to be: rigid, efficient, unbeatable. But even with all that drilled into her, she still exudes grace and fluidity. The scientists have chalked it up to whatever she is, but she doesn't know that.

The noise in her head isn't also quite as loud. ]

I'll be waiting.

[ She knows he'll take his time. But, somehow, she's good at standing still. At waiting. ]

Now making up for all the time apart makes sense.

[ 'Time apart' is putting it lightly. There was the lack of time alone together during the war effort - he couldn't clear out a tent or get them put on the same mission too often, then he was captured by Hydra and became the Winter Soldier - it took time for her to find him and then once she did, it hadn't been a quick process where he felt at ease with himself enough. ]

You. I don't know how this is gonna play out and how I'm gonna feel about myself after, but knowing you're there after will help.

[ While the fear of the Winter Soldier resurfacing is always going to be there, it's not the forefront of his mind when he says that. He needs her there because he knows that no matter what he chooses, he's probably gonna need her to help put himself back together after and he feels something, almost like a twist in his gut at how unfair that is to her, but she's always managed to put those pieces back in a way that it won't immediately splinter again when it's touched. ]

I heal fast compared to most people, so there's not any scars or old wounds but the one thing that never healed up was the scarring from where I lost my arm - my real arm. Between their shitty surgery and me clawing at it later there's scar tissue and it ain't pretty to look at or touch either.

[ It's not an outright answer to her question yet, but he's trying to at least show to her that he knows what it's like to be scarred. He knows how it feels to look at himself and not like what he sees ( it's better now, he doesn't feel the urge to punch the mirror or block them out these days ) despite his outward appearance. ]

And yeah, I do. I want you.

Edited 2024-04-22 06:41 (UTC)

[ She doesn't get a response back. He waits, he bides his time as he tries to make her wonder if he's going to show up or not. The Winter Soldier doesn't need the extra training, to listen to another one like him like this but his body doesn't agree with that. It moves almost independently from his mind, the way he moves about the facility they're kept in between missions as he waits for the next time they place him back in his cryosleep.

His boots are heavy but his footfalls are quiet, lacking in sound as he stalks through like he expects to find her lurking around a corner. He knows that isn't the case, that she told him where she'd be and his body reacted. It said he couldn't keep her waiting any longer.

Once outside, he doesn't react to the cold, the chill of the wind or the bite of the snow in the air. The conditions mean nothing to him, he doesn't feel after all. His cold stare locks onto her after a brief beat of searching and once more, something tugs at him - whether it be his mind or his body or both - almost in recognition. ]

Are you ready to lose?

You're only just figuring that out? I thought that was why you stuck around.

[ Still teasing, but there's a lot of truth in that too. Sometimes the mind forgets, but the body remembers. She knows that better than anyone. ]

I'm not going anywhere. [ Though she'll be ready to go after him in case things get dicey or the plan doesn't work out. She's never without a plan B, even if he insists on doing certain parts of the plan alone. ] Do you want me to bunker down in one of our safehouses? Would that help you focus on the mission?

[ What she doesn't say is: where would she even go? This isn't her world. The Tesseract is safe with SHIELD, which means she doesn't even have a purpose anymore. She could just go sleep for the next hundred or so years and wake when the Tesseract is in peril again.

He's all she has. As unfair as that is to him. ]

[ For a second, his voice startles her. They barely talk or even acknowledge the other when they pass by. He almost never speaks. But his words send a jolt through her, one that she's unable to comprehend. It's not her body tensing in anticipation of an attack, or the cut of words intended to inflict pain. If anything, the sensation is sharpest in her head, through the noise.

She meets his gaze. It's a mistake, she knows, not watching for his hands or his feet for where and when he might strike, but her body is searching for something. Slowly, she shifts her weight and takes a step to the side.

The start of a dance. ]

Are you?

[ I want you. Now that's a whole other level to just wanting to do something.

It takes her a while to respond because she's reading the message again and again, making sure that it says what she thinks it says. I want you. Blessed Norns, someone wants her. Someone wants her. ]

I want you too.

[ What happens now? Suddenly texting just doesn't seem enough. The words are there, but they're only words. Does he really mean it? Does she want to find out?

She realizes that she does. ]

Are you home? Can I come see you?

Just because my mind was broken doesn't mean by body was, you know.

[ Even if there was a period there where he was afraid of going further than light affection. If things got too heated, he'd pull back and need to put that distance there, because he didn't want to do something he'd end up regretting. While it wasn't like he could really do much to her in the long run, he knew he wouldn't have been able to forgive himself if he hurt her all the same. Now, that's not a worry but he remembers when it was. The difficulty that was there when he couldn't trust his mind enough to allow his body to be close to her. ]

One of the safehouses, but not too far away. I don't wanna have to travel too much to find you after. Keep a bag ready, just in case.

[ It's not because he thinks she'll need to travel alone, it's because he hopes that after this, even with the safehouse, they might need to put a further distance between them and SHIELD even just for a little while. He doesn't know how this will play out and if his actions will align with their way of doing things or not, even with Peggy and Howard there. ]

[ No one can say he does things in half measures. Before he went off to the war effort, he was confident, charismatic and knew what to say to get a dame interested in him - to keep them interested. These days it's less, he can have bursts of that confidence, the charisma showing up when he feels comfortable enough and doesn't get in his head about it.

It's why he said it, in no uncertain terms, what he meant. It was less about a wanting to do and more about wanting her. By speaking plainly about it, it took the guess work out and despite the worry that she would end up rejecting him, at least he could say he hopefully put them on the same page. ]

Yeah, to both of 'em. I'm home and you can come over.

You need a picture still for that portal or do you have a handle on it?

[ He's still learning about all this magic stuff and it's not so much to detract from what he said, about wanting her, but keep it lighter since it probably isn't so simple as that given the issues they both have. ]

I know.

At least we don't have to commandeer a tent now.

[ They'd gotten good at staying off the grid, establishing several safehouses and backup plans just in case they get separated. They've thankfully never had to be alone much or for too long, though she knows part of that is because the last time they'd had to go their separate ways, well, she'd nearly died.

She touches her burned cheek at that flicker of phantom pain, but drops her hand quickly and shoves all the other thoughts aside — thoughts of the world she'd left behind and what might still be coming for them. She hasn't told him, but she suspects they'll be back. ]

Yeah, you're gonna need an outlet for that rush of adrenaline. And a bath.

If you send me a picture of your door I can save you the trouble of walking. But we could get something to eat first, if you want?

[ She's not even really intending to do anything, despite their flirting earlier and her sudden enthusiasm. It just feels strange to talk about something so serious and profound over a means as impersonal as a phone. And she had been meaning to ask him if she could come over, she just couldn't muster the courage to do it without feeling like she's coming on too strong (and potentially get rejected in the process).

She also makes it a point to always give him a choice. They haven't talked about his past much, but she knows enough to be mindful about it.

That, and she's pretty sure he barely has anything in his apartment. She might float the idea of crashing at her place afterwards instead. It's cozier, and she has a proper bed. ]

[ He hasn't known Hel that long in the scheme of things, but he feels like he probably hasn't done enough good in the world to deserve someone in his life who honors his ability to choose. And it's all without him actually telling her these things, he's never shared the whole of his past with her just little things here and there and if she filled in the gaps with looking him ( or just the Winter Soldier ) up after, that was not something he ever asked about. He didn't think it was important to because if she did, it didn't change the way she looked at him.

Sometimes though, sometimes choices can be hard. It's nice to have a wall of choices at a store or a whole menu of them, but occasionally they'll close in on him and panic will bubble up to the surface when he freezes and can't make a decision. Fucking PTSD man, it's the worst. ]

I can send you a picture of the door. I don't have a whole lot in my place, so it's probably not all that comfortable. But I can order us something unless you're wanting to take a walk.

[ He sends that choice back to her. It's his way of saying he doesn't expect anything from her. Wanting her doesn't just come down to wanting something physical because he honestly enjoys just being in her presence. He wanted to see her, to talk to her not over the phone and yeah, he'd been flirting with her but it went deeper than that. ]

Hey, it worked pretty damn good at the time. I think it was your wards that helped more than anything.

[ It was a simpler time then. But even with everything that's happened since then, he'll take where they're at now. They appreciate what they have more than they did back then - they had practically been kids even if he knew Hel was even older than he'd been at the time - and that's probably why he's so damned determined to keep it.

Because he knows what it's like to have lost it, to gain it back and then fear that he's on the brink of losing it again. ]

Why else do you think I wanna make sure you're away from it but not too far away? I'm gonna need you to help me with both of those.

[ So he's fine with her showing up on his doorstep. And for food they're either going out or having takeout... or she could bring a picnic to him. Now that's an idea. She'll bring some pillows and blankets and while he doesn't have to use them, they'll at least be there. Maybe a plant too, one he can leave on his windowsill. She'll give it a little magic so it doesn't die if he doesn't feel like watering it.

Blessed Norns, is that too much? Is she allowed to do that just because they admitted they liked each other? Okay, she has to calm down. She'll bring the stuff but she won't impose any of them on him. And she'll check to make sure. ]

I actually cooked something for dinner and I also have some cookies left from earlier, if you want to try them? I'm a pretty decent cook.

[ She's too modest, she's great. ]

Yeah? [ He's got one of those soft smiles he sometimes manages - it's not often so they're pretty rare - and it's probably stupid but he kind of hopes she can tell just from that first response. But then he goes further: ] Not that I doubt it, knowing that Garmr likes to steal your food and all, but I think I oughta judge that for myself.

At least if you bring dinner and get here through a portal, we know it won't be possibly lukewarm at best if we ended up getting something delivered.

[ He doesn't do it often because he likes being able to go in somewhere and pick up his own food - be it groceries or ordering a meal and staying somewhere or grabbing it to go - since he had several decades where he didn't have such luxuries. But sometimes it was damned convenient to just pluck a bag from right outside his doorstep and not have to make idle chit-chat with someone if he didn't want to. He just hates when it arrives and it's not not as warm as he expected it to be.

There's a stretch of silence in his texts to her for a few minutes before she'll see a photo pop up a moment later of his apartment door. It nothing remarkable but hopefully between that and the apartment number, she'll be able to narrow it down. ]

I don't really have anything to tidy up before you come in but I just need warning before you do so I can turn off my alarm.

Edited 2024-04-26 05:55 (UTC)

[ Being who they are, they're trained not to react. To react is to show pain. To show pain is to show weakness. Weaknesses imply they are capable of being broken and that is not of use to Hydra. They are weapons. Weapons do not think, do not feel, do not care. They complete their intended objectives and they report back to their handlers. They exist only when they are told they're allowed to exist and only how they are told to exist.

This...is not something that the handlers, the scientists - Hydra - have approved. They're off mission here, they're doing something of their own accord - be it their thoughts, the actions of their bodies doing something that the mind tells them not to do - it's not approved.

And yet. And yet, when she moves he can't help the way he watches. The slow approach forward and the knowledge that this is the beginning of that dance she spoke of.

He's watching carefully, no longer caring to answer her with words but instead with action. She'd gotten the better of him just the night prior and he's not about to let that happen again.

Quickly and with the only sound being the motion of his metal arm moving through the air, his fist swings to connect, to knock her off balance and begin this dance in his favor with a show of his own brute strength. He doesn't hold one of the knives he usually does - it's tucked away in its holster but it's easily accessible for him - and is strategically trying to get her closer to the edge of the cliff.

Harder to beat him if she falls over. ]

[ He doesn't see it, but she makes a mad rush through her cottage to pick and choose stuff she thinks she can bring him, before promptly discarding every single one of them because it might be all too much. In the end, she has dinner, cookies, teabags, china and utensils for two, and her pencils and sketchpad piled into a picnic basket. Then she grabs a knitted blanket from her closet that she intends to "accidentally" leave behind — it's a nice blue, like his eyes — and a small potted plant from her windowsill. It's not a cactus or any regular Earth species, but a flower that grows only in the Ironwoods. She hopes he likes it. ]

I'm ready when you are.

[ Then she's nervous again, and she checks her reflection against the screen of her phone to make sure she hasn't forgotten to wear glamour. As much as he's said he's fine with her looking the way she does, she doesn't need to subject him to that monstrosity. ]

[ She almost, almost quips that he'll have to come back alive first, but she doesn't want to argue about that again. She'll just have to be ready to jump in if she has to. Hopefully, she won't have to. ]

There's plenty more I can help you with. For one, getting you suited up. Whenever you're ready, Captain.

[ Time might be ticking, but of course she's not letting him leave without a proper sendoff. For luck. And to remind him what he'll be leaving behind if he doesn't come back. ]

inbox.

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tfln continuation — 04/19/2024 — @sinne.

tfln continuation — 04/19/2024 — @franfalle.

tfln continuation — 04/19/2024 — @sinne part deux.

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